Today was one of those days. One of those days where for no real reason the weight of grief hung heavy on my heart. Days like today are the worst because there’s no warning. At least when I hear the roar of a motorcycle or the sound of sirens or even a stereo thumping too loud (Chris used to be all about that bass—LOL!) it makes sense. But none of these events happened nor was today’s date significant–no today was one of those sneaky snake kind of days where the sadness coils around your heart before you can prepare yourself.
It’s not that I don’t think about Chris every day—I do. I remember the good, the bad, and the in between and thankfully it doesn’t gut me on a daily basis anymore but today my heart ached a little deeper. The pain of grief doesn’t get easier BUT you can learn how to handle it with time. And handling it strengthens your heart and gives you an awe-inspiring sense of confidence.
The hardest part I’ve encountered on this unwanted grief journey is learning to be kind to myself and not get so frustrated when days like today happen.
There aren’t many things in this world I despise but cemeteries—they make the cut. I hate the cemetery. It invokes nothing but pain and hurt for me. I know for others it’s a place of comfort and I fully respect that but for this girl it’s a tortuous place. I’ve been to Chris’ grave less than ten times and I’ve cried every single time. I don’t tend to stay more than five minutes when I do visit—considering my disdain for the place you can understand why. Even so, some days like today the compulsion to go there is undeniable. So I went and I cried and I prayed. A few more tears slipped out as I drove home. Then I nursed my wounds and allowed myself a few hours of self isolation while cuddling with my furry children in bed. Then I got up gave a final and went to the gym—intense sadness gone.
What amazes me is how much tending to my emotional wounds really helps. An episode like that would once put me down and out for a day but today it only lasted a few hours and I was back to laughing and feeling free again.
As I’m typing this blog post I don’t even know why I’m sharing this but my heart is telling me to so I am. That’s one thing I’ve learned to trust without wavering—my heart. It’s difficult sometimes to quell the rational part of my brain that tries to poke holes in the theories and truths of my heart. It’s even more difficult when people you trust the most can’t understand the ways of your heart what it sees in others, how it feels, what it believes. But every time I follow my heart I have no regrets.
So, I’ll stop my rambling and hopefully this post will mean something to someone. Whether it’s being kind to yourself when grieving, following your heart, or something else all together. After all, I write to heal myself and hope in the process it can help others too. I love you, dear reader. Always and Forever.