Last night as I laid in bed tired from the day tucking in my thoughts, a tidal wave of gratitude flooded me. It wasn’t long ago I laid in my way too big for one person bed with my pups tucked in around me enveloped in a pain darker than the blackest of nights. In those wretched nights the only hope I had was that death would visit me soon. During those black nights my mind could see nothing ahead. My future was as dark and bleak as the room I laid in. I curled up in a bed of shattered dreams, the shards cutting into my skin every night, stuck in a broken life. I mourned for more than my husband but also our life together, our future together, and now my future–alone. My blue eyes could see nothing but a black hole of emptiness in front of me. Those desperate nights were filled with tears and pitiful prayers for death and prayers for help.
I will always hold on to the memories in my life before Chris died. But I also cling tightly to the difficult days that followed—not to wallow in them but to serve as a reminder of how far I’ve come. Life can change so much. In a blink of an eye mine changed direction—in a second your heart can be shattered and in another made whole again. I remember being tired of being sad, of the victory going a single day without tears, and somewhere in those days of grief God answered a prayer. I’m so thankful it was my prayer for help and not the other.
Last night as I laid in bed I thought about my future, of tomorrows, and the road ahead filled with so much promise. Adventure, opportunities, blessings, and so many other wonderful things await—both planned and unplanned. I realized that when you expect more, you get more. When you put your faith into action, you move faster and farther than you could’ve ever dreamed. Last night, my heart was filled with joy—an overwhelming feeling of all things wonderful and for no distinct reason except the promise of tomorrows.
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from these past few years in the power of change. Changing, challenging, growing myself, and polishing my shine has been and will continue to be one of my greatest and most rewarding journeys. I don’t know if you’re in a valley, a plateau, or a peak in your life but hold onto yourself. Don’t give up on your future. You’re here for a beautiful reason. There might be dark clouds obstructing your view right now but they won’t be there forever.
My family, my friends, and most importantly my God didn’t give up on me during my darkness. When I saw nothing, they saw everything. And as I was curled in my bed with my dogs, my notebook, my pen, a few tears of thankfulness, and a full heart of love it reminded me my life was always waiting—through the pain and hopeless tears—my future waited on the other side of those dark clouds. I can see it again. Oh what a magnificent sight! How lucky I am to have a vibrant life filled with such promise!
To my angels who never gave up on me, you have my affection and gratitude–always and forever. And to those of you feeling lost, confused, empty, and desolate—remember you’re never alone. You have so much left to live for. Don’t let those icky clouds fool you. Take care of yourself and when the fog lifts you’ll see you’ve got your own vibrant life right in front of YOU. Be a brave little soldier and expect more. If you’re still breathing it’s not over yet, tell that heart of yours to DANCE again—with time it will.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
#PolishYourShine #NeverGiveUp #VibrantLife #AlwaysAndForever #LoveHugsAndSunshine