The Question of Why #GriefConfessions #HopeForTheHurting

As I was working on my grief book today I thought these words might provide some much needed comfort. Between all the horrible things happening in Orlando and in my community I’ve been moved to share this.

The question of why. In my days spent grieving I’ve learned there’s no gratification in understanding why. Why did your loved one die? Why were innocent lives taken way too soon? You can ask why over and over and over but in my experience being stuck in the trap of why’s did nothing but frustrate me and continuously re-break my already shattered heart. It was like I kept stabbing myself in the arm and then wondered when I would stop bleeding, when the wound would stop aching. Stupid, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. And stupid is not a way I prefer to describe myself. Hopefully I can save you from the same fate. <3

Maybe we’ll find out why on the other side. Maybe we won’t. Maybe the reason of why truly doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s how we take this loss and grow. How we take the broken moments of our lives and use them to provide others with a comforting hug, an understanding ear, and words filled with hope. Or merely just letting them know they aren’t alone in their pain.

It’s okay not to understand. It’s okay to want to find a reason but more importantly it’s okay to accept that no reason will ever be good enough. And once you accept that you’ll stop looking for a reason in hopes that it will satiate your pain. It won’t. I repeat, it won’t.

No reason will take away the pain just like alcohol, drugs, sex, or even denial and complete avoidance won’t take away the pain of loss either. Often they just make a bad situation messier, harder, and more difficult on everyone.

I know many of you are hurting, heartbroken, confused, and even angry but take those feelings and use them to motivate you to good acts. Allow those feelings to push you to hold out your hand, to hug the hurting, to help the weary, to just flat out LOVE one another.

If these words helped you at all, please share them. Hopefully together we can start a ripple effect of love and compassion to override the tidal wave of pain and devastation.

#LoveHugsAndSunshine #Prayers #LoveAlwaysAndForever

Do You Ever Wonder What’s Taking So Long?! #MyConfessions

Facebook was so kind as to remind me that Soul Survivor is three years old today. Three years and the sequel still isn’t out. In case you couldn’t tell that bothers me but in case you’ve missed it, there’s a reason for that. I’ve been busy—dealing with loss, struggling in the seemingly unending webs of emotions, and then trying to put myself back together again.

And now that I feel “put back together” (praise God for that!) I’ve been spending my days writing all about it in my grief book. Revisiting those past two years has been emotionally draining, empowering, and humbling. I’ve been combing through my journals, old blog posts, remembering that dark place, and all the victories that came along with it.

I’ve been spending a lot more time alone and even when I’m not sitting with my hands at the keyboard my mind is winding through my journey. I’ll go through moments where I get the itch of loneliness but then I realize not everyone has the luxury of quiet time and one day I won’t either or at least much less of it. Those thoughts put me back into a place of peace. Perspective is everything!

Patience has been one of the most difficult virtues to afford myself. I can easily give it to others but when it comes to myself it’s much more of an issue. It’s a constant struggle of “I want to be there right now” which is followed by “it’s not time yet, keep working.” This applies to every aspect of my life but certainly to my writing. I want so badly to be done this book and to put it out into the world but at the same time I want to make sure I’ve poured as much heart and soul into it as is required. I want to do it the right way, the best way I possibly can.

This morning a thought came to mind, “Hearts take time to heal. Hearts take time to mend.” Everything takes time! It took my heart time to heal and mend and when I see others struggling I want so badly to see them “fixed” which is just the way people felt about me. And in some regards still do—sometimes I think they want my “happily ever after, always and forever” more than I do. LOL! I love them for it all the same. 🙂

The truth is any thing worth having, any thing worth doing, takes time and constant effort. Even those moments where it looks like everything fell instantly into place it took work. You might not have seen it but behind the scenes someone (of this world and above this world) was working to make it happen. We often say, “Every thing just fell into place” when really every thing was MOVED into place.

In looking back on my life I try to remember how I used to think. As twenty something Michelle how did I imagine my life would look like as a thirty something? I know it wasn’t anything like my life is now but that’s okay—it’s more than okay actually because this is where I’m supposed to be right now. This morning for a brief moment I wondered what will my life look like next year? In three years? In five years? Where will I be? Will I still be writing this dang book? (Let’s hope not. Haha!) Will I still be single? Will I be traveling the world? Will I be sitting on my couch boring you with more rambling blog posts? It’s fun to entertain the thoughts of where I’ll be and who I’ll be and how I will look back on this time of my life.

One thing I know for sure is I’ll be grateful, because even in the worst of days I could find gratitude in something. Being thankful in your storms is what plants the seeds for your recovery. No matter how small or miniscule you might think what you have is—it is still something to be grateful for. This might sound weird but I’m incredibly grateful for the pain I’ve felt because it’s shown me a new depth to my heart and that as deeply as I’ve been wounded I can love just as deeply—and love of that depth is truly a great blessing. There are so many more blessings in my life–the opportunities, the people, the list is almost infinite. I have problems too, everyone does but focusing all my attention on them doesn’t fix them. It only turns the rocks in the road into big mountains to climb and seriously who wants to scale a mountain when you can kick the rock out of the way and roll on? The mountains will appear on their own. We don’t need to create them.

Grant yourself some patience today and I will do the same for myself. 🙂 Keep working on whatever it is you’ve got in front of you and don’t get discouraged when it takes longer than you’ve expected. It is true that things of value and treasure take time and work to acquire and just as much to keep. Don’t give up!

#DoYouEverWonder #BePatient #EverythingTakesTime #LoveHugsAndSunshine