This post is for those of you suffering in silence. Those who are hurting so badly that you can’t even reach out to someone because you don’t even know what to say. All you know is that it hurts. The only thing worse than hurting is feeling the ache of emptiness and not being able to figure out why or how to even begin to process it. It’s tough finding out what left behind the crater in your soul and facing those demons. I can commiserate.
I finished the first draft of my grief book yesterday. There’s still more work to be done on it but that was a magical milestone for me. I was on cloud nine practically bouncing around the house footloose and fancy free and then today happened. Today feels like hell and not just because it’s 90 something degrees outside. It feels like great inferno of black flames on the inside. Overnight the darkness seeped in.
I’m unsettled, sad, and my waterproof mascara has greatly failed me today. There’s nothing more “attractive” than trails of black tear stains flowing beneath a pair of summer shades. I went to the cemetery for no other reason than it was the only place I wanted to go to. When I was upset the other weekend I wanted to pay a visit to the big rock on the ground but I didn’t get the chance. I’ve felt pulled there since.
I pulled up, hopped out of the truck, and stood in front of his name. My mind a blur of nothing and everything. I had nothing to say. Usually I at least have a few bones to pick or a good question to throw out there but today zilch. I stood there the breeze rustling through my sundress with an empty head and an aching heart. I was feeling lost. It was as if I was looking for a safe haven from the negative voices in my head because I couldn’t muster the strength to shut them down. As I stood there looking for direction I heard words echo within. “Your life isn’t here. Go home.”
I climbed back in the truck, leaned my head against the wheel and lost it once more. After I’d cleaned the black streaks from my face I headed home. “Your life isn’t here. Go home.” Those words still echoed in my mind as I crawled into my bed to hide beneath the covers. The tsunami of feelings crashed inside. Anger. Sadness. Weariness. Confusion. Frustration.
I didn’t spend much time in bed this afternoon thanks to the unsolicited texts, calls, and Eclipse needing me to take him out three times in less than twenty minutes. Once the feelings settled a bit I do what I always do and asked myself, “What is going on with you? You’re stronger than this.” Today was one of those days where I just wanted to cry but then when I started crying I was mad about the tears. These are the days I wish I could turn it off.
So what is going on with me? That dang book is what’s going on! It’s almost done and that’s incredibly exciting and equally frightening. When it’s complete it will be a solid tangible collection of words documenting some horrific days and some heartwarming days. Days filled with nothing but tears and days where I felt nothing but emptiness. The great black abyss of unfeeling was both infuriating and a welcome reprieve. And then came the days of victory, when my chest became light again and I could feel love deeper than ever before.
Finishing this book is going to free my mind and my heart from holding on so tightly to all those moments. I’ll be able to shuffle those years off to the side to fully make room for the years of my future. Just like the words I heard, “Your life isn’t here. Go home.” I’ll be able to settle into my new life. I’ll be able to go home again.
It’s hard to distinguish the root of all the tears but they certainly contained the roller coaster of emotion residing between the pages of that book.
If you’re having a difficult time fighting down the darkness today, you’re not alone. Even a Suzy Sunshine like myself gets bogged down with the fight. BUT don’t you dare give up. Find a healthy way to get those nasty feelings out so you can move past them. Your future is bright and it’s full of wonderful things as long as you keep moving. Never give up on your always and forever, even if you can’t see it right now I promise you it’s waiting patiently on your arrival. Who knows, maybe we’ll bask in the glow of it together one sunshiney day! <3
#GoHome #KeepMoving #NeverGiveUp #GriefConfessions