Your Life Isn’t Here. Go Home. #GriefConfessions #NeverGiveUp

This post is for those of you suffering in silence. Those who are hurting so badly that you can’t even reach out to someone because you don’t even know what to say. All you know is that it hurts. The only thing worse than hurting is feeling the ache of emptiness and not being able to figure out why or how to even begin to process it. It’s tough finding out what left behind the crater in your soul and facing those demons. I can commiserate.

I finished the first draft of my grief book yesterday. There’s still more work to be done on it but that was a magical milestone for me. I was on cloud nine practically bouncing around the house footloose and fancy free and then today happened. Today feels like hell and not just because it’s 90 something degrees outside. It feels like great inferno of black flames on the inside. Overnight the darkness seeped in.

I’m unsettled, sad, and my waterproof mascara has greatly failed me today. There’s nothing more “attractive” than trails of black tear stains flowing beneath a pair of summer shades. I went to the cemetery for no other reason than it was the only place I wanted to go to. When I was upset the other weekend I wanted to pay a visit to the big rock on the ground but I didn’t get the chance. I’ve felt pulled there since.

I pulled up, hopped out of the truck, and stood in front of his name. My mind a blur of nothing and everything. I had nothing to say. Usually I at least have a few bones to pick or a good question to throw out there but today zilch. I stood there the breeze rustling through my sundress with an empty head and an aching heart. I was feeling lost. It was as if I was looking for a safe haven from the negative voices in my head because I couldn’t muster the strength to shut them down. As I stood there looking for direction I heard words echo within. “Your life isn’t here. Go home.”

I climbed back in the truck, leaned my head against the wheel and lost it once more. After I’d cleaned the black streaks from my face I headed home. “Your life isn’t here. Go home.” Those words still echoed in my mind as I crawled into my bed to hide beneath the covers. The tsunami of feelings crashed inside. Anger. Sadness. Weariness. Confusion. Frustration.

I didn’t spend much time in bed this afternoon thanks to the unsolicited texts, calls, and Eclipse needing me to take him out three times in less than twenty minutes. Once the feelings settled a bit I do what I always do and asked myself, “What is going on with you? You’re stronger than this.” Today was one of those days where I just wanted to cry but then when I started crying I was mad about the tears. These are the days I wish I could turn it off.

So what is going on with me? That dang book is what’s going on! It’s almost done and that’s incredibly exciting and equally frightening. When it’s complete it will be a solid tangible collection of words documenting some horrific days and some heartwarming days. Days filled with nothing but tears and days where I felt nothing but emptiness. The great black abyss of unfeeling was both infuriating and a welcome reprieve. And then came the days of victory, when my chest became light again and I could feel love deeper than ever before.

Finishing this book is going to free my mind and my heart from holding on so tightly to all those moments. I’ll be able to shuffle those years off to the side to fully make room for the years of my future. Just like the words I heard, “Your life isn’t here. Go home.” I’ll be able to settle into my new life. I’ll be able to go home again.

It’s hard to distinguish the root of all the tears but they certainly contained the roller coaster of emotion residing between the pages of that book.

If you’re having a difficult time fighting down the darkness today, you’re not alone. Even a Suzy Sunshine like myself gets bogged down with the fight. BUT don’t you dare give up. Find a healthy way to get those nasty feelings out so you can move past them. Your future is bright and it’s full of wonderful things as long as you keep moving. Never give up on your always and forever, even if you can’t see it right now I promise you it’s waiting patiently on your arrival. Who knows, maybe we’ll bask in the glow of it together one sunshiney day! <3

 

#GoHome #KeepMoving #NeverGiveUp #GriefConfessions

You’re Doing it Right When You Have to Fight #StayPositive #SeeTheGoodInTheBad

Back in the really rough days after I lost Chris when I watched too much Netflix and scrolled through Facebook incessantly I remember stumbling upon this quote.

“God is up to something good or the devil wouldn’t be fighting you so hard.” ~Unknown

I laughed to myself and with sarcasm said, “Well I must be bound for something really great as hard as he’s fighting me.” *insert eye roll*

For whatever reason those words stuck with me even though I thought they were just some empty words to make people feel better. It wasn’t reality but merely lip service. And it certainly wasn’t working it’s magic on me—at least not that day.

Call it the devil, the enemy, the forces of darkness, or just life itself it doesn’t really matter how you refer to it—we know what it’s like to be attacked by it.” As time passed and I climbed out of my pit of grief those words would resurface from time to time. If I wasn’t going the right way, doing the right things, I wouldn’t have adversities, right? But at the same time I was so exhausted from the constant battle with my emotions and the outside world I wanted to give up. I wanted to quit, but I wanted greatness, happiness, and success, too. You can see how this created a bit of a predicament. 😉

Before I lost Chris I was at a point in my life where everything felt like it was truly coming together. I even remember saying 2013 is going to be a great year. I was beginning to live the life I’d worked so hard for.

BUT “it” had other plans and completely blindsided me. Dealing with all of that—the loss of my husband, the perceived loss of my future, and grieving—it gutted me. It took time, effort, and a lot of God’s grace for me to pick up all the entrails of my life and shuffle them back inside where they belonged instead of decaying on the ground around me. My heart was the heaviest and most difficult of all to get back into place, but I managed that feat too.

The battle never ends it just changes. The attacks still come—they always will and if they don’t then I’m not going in the right direction. Today I believe those words deep down in my once shattered soul, God IS up to something good and that’s why I have to keep fighting all the negative thoughts, events, and distractions meant to derail my purpose. And so do YOU!

We’re all fighting something—an internal battle no one can see or maybe an external one everyone can see. We’re all warriors trying to get to where we’re supposed to be and grow into who we’re supposed to become.

But we don’t have to fight this war alone.

It was only a month ago I had an intense breakdown. One of the toughest I’d had since that first year of incessant tears. I was deep into my grief book and making lots of progress when this attack almost crippled me. I knew I had to finish this book but I had no idea how I was going to do it with the way the emotions were resurfacing and attempting to drown me in the dark pool of grief. But in this moment I realized what I’m telling you. I’m not fighting this war alone. My strength was renewed by the knowledge that I had someone to turn to. I prayed and reached out to a friend which was tough. I hate being a vulnerable mess and “bothering” people with my problems, but sometimes you have to let people know you need them. Most people can’t read minds and know when to swoop in and rescue us. (I know, it’d be easier if they could. Then we wouldn’t have to say how we feel or what we need.) In that moment when I felt my resolve crumbling I came up higher. My emotions settled and even more importantly I felt loved. Not alone. Not forgotten. Not judged. (All untrue things the enemy was throwing in my head.) God has put such wonderful people in my life and when the chips are down that’s when I’m reminded of how amazing they are and how blessed I am to call them MY friends. (See! Just one of the many silver linings to my battles.)

After every trial, I can take a look back and see who was there for me and how each circumstance strengthened our relationship. I do believe there’s big plans for my life and every time the forces of darkness show up on my door step I know it’s only temporary and I will grow from it.

And so will YOU!  Don’t get me wrong I know it can really suck BUT stay positive! The attack can become a blessing in disguise if you turn your focus towards the good it produced. This isn’t fluff to make you feel better. This stuff is legit!

If it feels like everything is falling apart or you’re weary and tired of fighting to take a breath  don’t give up. It’s true adversities mean you’re going the right way. You ARE doing something. You’re making things happen. You’ve got great things inside of you that will make a difference. Don’t let your talents go to waste by giving up. KEEP GOING.

No one said you ever had to do this alone. Hold onto your faith and your personal militia. Always look for the silver lining. It’s there even if it takes a little digging to find. As my Mama says, “Be a brave little soldier!” March on. Fight on. And never give up on your always and forever!

#DontGiveUp #SeeTheGoodInTheBad #MarchOn #YoureNotAlone #KeepFighting #LoveHugsAndSunshine