There’s something to be said for reflection in your life. Because of who I am and how I’m made revisiting my life in the written word, in black and white on the page, speaks deeply to me.
While working on my book today, I found myself looking over the last year of my life—my journey to the Catholic Church and all the intricate details along the way. I’ve got a lot more words to get on the page (I’m only about a third of the way into the book) but what I have written is a bold reminder of the transformation of my spirit.
When I see it on the page it causes me to pause and catch my breath. In the midst of life, God find us, teaches us, and transforms us. Sometimes we get too hung up on statuses or degrees or achievements that we forget to honor the real victories in our lives.
I’m guilty of this. I can sit down and quickly rattle off a list of my “have not’s,” my self perceived failures. This October will be five years since Chris passed. It’s been four years since I decided it was time to live again and in those years I’ve grown and struggled, risen and fallen.
I’m still single. I’m NOT a mother. I’m in a sort of limbo with my career. And I’m about to turn 35. The clock is ticking. Those “failures” can easily bring me down and sometimes they do. But then there are moments like today where I find myself crying tears of joy again. Tears of gratitude.
Each of those “failures” once they become successes will contain within them their own sets of obstacles. In reflecting on my life, God sheds a little bit of light on the work He’s doing in me and for me, but most importantly the work He’s using me to do for others. It’s a bit like a cycle of strengthening for all parties involved happening simultaneously. It’s super cool and majorly cray cray. 😉
In these last four years of my life, I’ve become a completely different person. Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror in a state of shock. Not in the vain, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest of them all” way but the in the “God I cannot believe I’m her” way. God has transformed me (and continues to do so) into this bright shining light for Him. That Light is a very long way from the dark, lost soul I was those four years ago.
I have met the most inspiring people. I have friends who’ve watched my transformation and have pulled me through sorrowful days. And I have new friends who have no idea how deeply they inspire me to continue pursuing the God’s best in my life and for my life. I have deeper and closer relationships than I’ve ever known before. There is so much love in my life. The depth of my heart continues to grow. I’m starting to believe that love is too much to be contained within the confines of my heart. Love exists in my every movement, in each thought, and in every breath that I am—and that is because of God.
There is so much loss in and around our lives. Broken relationships, deaths, illnesses—we have no shortage of those things. But there is so much love, beauty, and healing around us as well.
We are never forgotten. We are never completely lost. No matter what we feel, we each possess a unique value. Take a moment and celebrate the victories in your life today. Gratitude exists in them. Sometimes just managing to get out of bed is a victory. Pat yourself on the back for that one.
I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out a way to show you how a life can change. How a heart can change from broken to whole. I’ll tell share my stories over and over with all kinds of combination of words and phrases trying to properly convey the message to you.
No matter how dark your situation is, life can change. You just have to keep going through the hurt. Please don’t give up.
I wanted to die. I prayed for death night after night. And I thank God He didn’t grant my request because I’d be missing so many amazing things right now. The greatest of all, the experiences of how He can change a heart and make old things new again.
Take a moment and please remember to never give up on your always and forever. The world needs you.
Love, Hugs, & Sunshine,