Nothing is wasted in this world. I truly believe that. One of the greatest gifts of death is how it causes us to evaluate our lives. It shakes us out of the stupor of plans, deadlines, appointments, and routine throwing the frailty of our humanity in our faces.
That alone is a gift—recognizing the brevity of our life on this side of eternity.
A friend and I were talking the other day about this and it made me stop and check myself. If I died today, would I be okay with that? The answer hit me quickly—yes. Hear me out, I’m not having suicidal thoughts or anything and I’m not unhappy with my life.
These past few months I’ve especially questioned myself, questioned God, and repetitively asked if I was doing the right thing. Nothing scares me more than wasting my life away in places I don’t belong and I was afraid I was doing that. I was concerned I was pursuing the wrong relationships and pouring time and love into people and activities that I shouldn’t be.
My head and my heart and my gut were in constant flux, none of them really agreeing on much. When that happens fear easily overpowers the obvious truth around us. I prayed extra hard and did my very best to do the right things and work outside of my feelings. That’s not easy.
Somewhere in all of this I found myself beginning to center myself to live in the moments of my life, instead of the what if’s. I’ve come to realize I live with lots of feelings of fear and I have my entire life. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid but somewhere in all of this mess that has been my life recently, I kept moving even with fear whispering lies in my ear. I kept trying even when the feelings of despair rose up within me. Fear allows us to measure the depth of our courage and our faith.
How did I get past my fear? I prayed. I prayed so much and I was honest with God about how scared I was about everything in my life. Then I asked for help. And finally I moved. I took a step.
I’ve been more vulnerable in my life these past several months than I ever have. In the process I’ve learned this was a part of my lesson. We find our strength in our weakness. We find our power on our knees. We find peace in gratitude.
Every moment has become incredibly precious to me. You might not see it. I may not make some big announcement about it, but in my heart each moment deeply matters. I’ve driven down back roads wind in my hair thanking God for those moments of freedom. I’ve sat cuddled on my couch with little girls on my lap, thanking God for them. They may not be my daughters but that doesn’t make our relationships any less valuable. I’ve sat next to friends praying in that moment, thanking God for them. Thanking God that He keeps providing people to fill the holes in my heart. I’ve prayed more in the moment than I ever have before. Somehow, that has made every breath of my life feel more significant.
I’ve vowed to myself and to God that I want to live His plans for me and that has meant doing things that don’t always make sense from the outside eye.
So when I thought, if I died today would I be okay with that. Am I content with the life I’m living? Could I leave this earth—without sharing my life with my person, without having a family of my own?
Yes. I am content with the way I live my life. And while I want my person and my own family more than I could ever explain, the fact I’d be completely at peace to die without having them surprised even me.
We don’t get to choose what happens to us but we do get to choose how we handle ourselves. We get to choose to love beyond reason. We get to choose to do the right thing even when it’s tough. We get to choose to wait for the right person instead of the right now person. We get to choose how we are going to learn from our mistakes. We get to choose to apologize. We get to choose to forgive. We get so many choices. That’s a blessing.
Today, stop and ask yourself if you died today, would you be at peace with that? Check yourself. And if not, maybe it’s time to choose to live your life differently. You can choose to change. And if you are at peace with yourself, that’s awesome. There’s a gift a peace beyond explanation in that.
Love, Hugs, & Sunshine,